Welcome to Maine Family Times
Louise Kirkland, CFLE, Extension Educator

Welcome to the second issue of Maine Family Times, a newsletter from the University of Maine Cooperative Extension. This newsletter is for families with children aged five through eighteen. In this issue, we address the importance of Making Time for Talking.

Effective communication takes skill and practice. Virginia Satir, a prominent family therapist, described the communication process as “a huge umbrella that covers and affects all that goes on between human beings.” Talking involves much more than just saying words between two people. Talking includes what is said, how it is said and when it is said. It also includes our body language, the look on our face, and the tone of our voice. And in today’s society, “talking” tools include cell phones, text messages, e-mail messages and internet sites.

Talking with family members is not always an easy thing to do. With today’s busy family life-styles and the many activities family members are engaged in, planning time to talk can be a challenge. However, if planning time to talk can be “scheduled” during a busy work/school week, new discoveries about your family members can occur. These times can lead to the discovery of family likes and dislikes, skills, special interests and talents. Talking time can be fun, loving and can bring closeness to family members. Families build stronger relationships when they learn to communicate better.

When talking face to face with family members or classroom teachers, remember these important tips:

• Make eye contact.

• Listen carefully.

• Speak from the heart.

• Think of others' feelings.

• Use kind words.

back to index

Families Talk About 4-H

Has your family talked about 4-H?

There are a number of ways to get involved in 4-H: clubs, after-school programs, school enrichment programs, and community-based youth leadership opportunities. Parents can volunteer as club advisors or chaperones, or simply support their child’s 4-H projects. Families often become involved in 4-H community service projects.

4-H is the youth development program of University of Maine Cooperative Extension. To get involved, contact your county UMaine Extension office, call 800-287-0274, or visit www.umext.maine.edu.

back to index

Planning for School Conferences with Ease
Leslie Forstadt, Extension Child and Family Development Specialist

Has it been awhile since you’ve attended a parent-teacher conference? Maybe you’ve gone recently but it did not meet your needs. Perhaps you have bad memories of school and the last place you want to be is a classroom talking to a teacher!

Parent-teacher conferences can be positive, helpful experiences for you and your child. They are designed for you to ask questions and for the teacher to understand your child’s needs. According to Nancy Kopack, Assistant Principal of Portland’s Riverton School and mother of five children, “parents and teachers are on the same team; everyone is trying to do what’s best for the child.” By taking a team approach, your conferences with teachers will be times to problem solve, get answers, and learn more.

Ask Questions.

Before your child’s conference, think of questions you have about the classroom, homework and class material. Your child may have questions about things at school, so be sure to check before heading off to the parent-teacher conference. Some ideas for questions include: Is my child working up to his or her ability? Does my child participate in class discussions and activities? How well does my child get along with others?

Solve Problems.

You don’t have to wait until parent-teacher conferences to deal with problems. In fact, says Kopack, “don’t wait until conference time to talk about it”.

Use the conference time to follow up on past issues and to bring up any new concerns you may have. Talk about what you have tried at home and ask about changes.

Testing.

Tests are just a sampling of student abilities, and some tests are designed to understand how a child is doing now while others are designed to predict how a child will perform in the future.
When you get your child’s test scores, bring those to the conference with you and ask what they mean. You might want to know how the score results impact instruction, or if the students are grouped according to test scores.

Expect Ongoing Communication.

Your relationship and your child’s relationship with the teacher both develop over time. Although you may only have two conferences each year, don’t be afraid to contact the teacher at other times. The classroom teacher is your primary contact and you should feel free to talk to other teachers and the principal about your child.

Share.

Sometimes there are things happening at home that will effect the child at school. Letting the teacher know can help because he or she can keep an eye on your child and even talk about the issue if needed. According to Kopack, it’s not the teacher’s job to be a counselor, but schools do have resources. At the very least the teacher can be understanding of your child’s behavior. And if your family has a need for a referral to get help, schools can be a resource.

Many parents say they want better communication with schools and to feel welcome at school. Teachers and principals, along with parents, want better communication. And everyone wants what is best for the child.

back to index

The 411 about Communicating with Youth                   Lisa Phelps, Extension Educator

Not sure what “411” means? Are you finding it difficult to figure out what those text messages from your children really mean? You’re not even sure what a text message is? These are just a few of the questions that parents struggle with in this technology driven society. More and more children and their parents are using technology to communicate with one another. For the youth, many have never lived in a society without cell phones. For the adults, many are just purchasing their first cell phone. With families busier than ever traveling to and from many different activities in the midst of busy schedules, communicating can be a challenge.

At a recent Maine 4-H Team conference, youth were interviewed about technology and communication with parents. Many reported using cell phones and text messaging. Some described the challenge of teaching their parents to use new technologies.  They said they needed to be patient in teaching their parents how to receive, create, and send text messages. Most said it was fun to teach their parents.

In interview with parents, they said cell phones were the easier to learn and text messaging is challenging at first. Overall, the parents said their most important priority is making sure their children are safe. Using these new technologies helps them stay in touch more easily.

Some of the other ways that youth and parents communicate using new technologies are through e-mail and internet social networking sites such as myspace.com or facebook.com. Some parents said that the internet is the scariest for them because there is so much out there and so much to learn. It is important for parents and youth to visit websites such as NetSmartz.org to learn more about internet safety.

Here are some basic steps about communicating with youth using new technologies:

• Learn about the new technologies together. Youth like teaching adults and this is a family time activity you can do together.

• Parents can research new technologies by talking to other parents and using the internet.

• Ask questions about what the youth are doing on the internet and how they are communicating with their friends.
   

Figure out a way that makes sense for your family to stay in touch. Remember it may or may not involve all of these new technologies but chances are it may include a cell phone.

And just to let you know, “411” means information or the “scoop.” And there were a few teens at the conference that said “my parents and I talk face to face and we don’t use any technology to communicate.” There are communication strategies that work for every family. You just need to do some planning, thinking and exploring about what works best for your family.

Samples of Common Text Message or Instant Messaging Lingo

• LOL       "Laughing Out Loud”

• F2F       "Face to Face”

• NAZ       "Name, Address, Zip”

• P911      "My Parents are Coming”

• POS       "Parents over Shoulder”

• MYOB     "Mind Your Own Business”

• 143         "I Love You”

• CUL        "See You Later”

• CWYL     "Chat With You Later”

• AFAGAY  "A Friend as Good as You”

back to index

Multi-Generation Communication
John Prichard, Extension Educator

Good communication can help make a family strong and happy. Most families have young and old members, and both age groups have things to teach to and learn from the other. To help your family communicate best, it can be helpful to consider how members of different ages may have different ways to communicate.

Grandparents can help children feel secure and unconditionally loved. They can offer love that helps children to grow and develop, that reduces anxiety, tension and hurt. They can offer love that adds security, trust, acceptance and understanding. Grandparents are good listeners and can give children a sense of values and a philosophy of life which is a result of years of living.

Family members of all ages have much to offer one another and good communication skills can help make it accessible.

Research by John DeFrain, Ph.D. of the Department of Family and Consumer Sciences of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln includes five skills for helping your family practice good communication across the life span.

1. Share Feelings. For some this isn’t easy. It is important to share feelings when they occur so they don’t become bottled up.

2. Learn to Compromise. Sometimes we get so involved in our lives that we think others should change to accommodate us. Being able to make choices based on compromise is an important skill for all to learn.

3. Encourage Playfulness. Older adults play an important role in helping children learn to take things in stride and to see the lighter side. Adults can model playfulness, and can nurture it in children.

4. Agree to Disagree. Sometimes we just can’t reach an agreement with someone. Believing that we have to agree can lead to lots of hard feelings. Recognizing that we sometimes won’t see things the same helps. Use compromise and playfulness to know that there are times when you will need to just agree to disagree.

5. Avoid Blame. Practice empathy. Try to understand another family member’s perspective before jumping to conclusions.

Good communication helps create healthy families, good experiences and fond memories for everyone.

back to index

Family Meetings are Times to Talk
Louise O. Kirkland, CFLE, Extension Educator

Has your family ever had a “family meeting?” Have members of your family ever taken time to plan an outing, discuss family chores, or make family decisions as a group?

Many parent educators define a family meeting as a regularly scheduled meeting of all family members. Its purpose is to make plans and decisions, provide encouragement and solve problems.

If “family meetings” are not a regular activity for your family, you might want to begin the practice with the planning of a family fun activity for the winter months. An example might be going to a museum, ice skating, or sledding. A meeting includes all members of a family no matter the age of the children. It becomes an opportunity to be heard, to express one’s thoughts and opinions and to participate in a decision.

Here are a few guidelines to follow at a meeting:

• Set the meeting time ahead of time so all members can plan to attend.

• Let family members know what the meeting is about.

• A parent should chair the first meeting in order to make sure everyone is heard. This can serve as a model for other family members when future meetings are held and others serve as chair.

• Set time limits for the meeting, so it does not drag on. Without time limits, members may lose interest. Twenty to thirty minutes is a safe limit for a family with young children.

• Make sure all members have a chance to offer ideas. It is best to let children and teens speak first. Encourage everyone to suggest an activity they would like to do as a family.

• A “secretary” can write down all suggestions that are voiced.

• A discussion of the suggested activities can lead to such questions as when will we do it, what will we take along and how much will it cost. Before a final decision is made, the parent summarizes what’s been decided and asks if everyone is willing to accept the decision.

• If a decision can not be made at one meeting, a future meeting date can be set.

Family meetings provide opportunities for all members to express what’s on their mind. Everyone can contribute to discussions and make suggestions. These gatherings can help settle conflicts and deal with recurring issues. Other topics to bring to family meetings might be family chores, weekly allowances, family values, bedtime routine, and planning for a family visit.

In family meetings, it is also important to share expressions of encouragement. As a parent, recognize the good things happening in your family. Family members can build each other’s self-esteem by focusing on contributions and strengths of each member. As a parent you can tell the whole group what you appreciate about them. In time you’ll notice other family members encouraging each other.

back to index

For more information on educational programs in your area, contact your county Extension office.