Welcome to Maine Family Times
Aileen Fortune, Extension Educator

Welcome to the third issue of the Maine Family Times, a newsletter from the University of Maine Cooperative Extension, for families with children aged five through eighteen. In this issue, we address the importance of valuing and taking time for self-care.

Self-care includes the many ways we pay attention to our bodies, our emotions, our minds, our relationships and our spirits. We take care of ourselves whenever we notice we are sad, lonely, bored, hungry, disconnected, exhausted, under-stimulated, frustrated, over-stimulated, stressed or feeling stuck and then we DO something about it. Maybe we notice that we spend all our time thinking about what others need and we forget about ourselves.

Taking care of ourselves has many forms. Sometimes it is calling a friend, talking a walk in the woods or walking on the beach. Sometimes it is enjoying delicious food, taking naps or sleeping in. Sometimes it is asking for help, finding inspiration, or having time alone. Sometimes it is getting some exercise, laughing and playing, setting limits with others, or expecting less of ourselves. Sometimes it is reading a poem, watching a movie, dancing, writing a letter, enjoying some music, or sitting still and doing nothing at all.

This issue addresses several parenting issues from the perspective of self-care for the adults in the family. So take a few minutes, kick your shoes off, put your feet up and enjoy these articles. Then ask yourself what you need to do to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to get your needs met. You deserve it!

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4-H Teaches Self-Care

Learning by doing is the way 4-H teaches self-care.

There are a number of ways to get involved in 4-H: clubs, after-school programs, school enrichment programs, and community-based youth leadership opportunities. Parents can volunteer as club advisors or chaperones, or simply support their child’s 4-H projects. Families often become involved in 4-H community service projects.

4-H is the youth development program of University of Maine Cooperative Extension. To get involved, contact your county UMaine Extension office, call 800-287-0274, or visit www.umext.maine.edu.

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Maintaining Boundaries: A Great Parenting Tool
Wendy Legg Pollock, Extension Educator

Good boundaries are key for all healthy relationships. As a parenting tool, good boundaries help us raise our children to become responsible, independent and confident adults.

What do we mean by “good boundaries?” Are we talking about fences around our property?  In a way, personal boundaries are like fences. Although invisible, they are a way of defining ourselves, protecting our thoughts and feelings, and creating safe, comfortable spaces. Boundaries are also about recognizing where our area of responsibility leaves off and another’s picks up. They tell each of us what is our business, what is someone else’s business, and what may be shared business to carry out together. 

 Maintaining boundaries is a great challenge to parents. We often find it difficult to separate ourselves from our children. Parents want so badly to protect and see that things go well for them that we often cross the invisible fence and invade our children’s space.

Two common ways in which parents cross children’s boundaries are:

1. Trying to tell their children what they should and should not feel. 

This is damaging to children’s self-esteem if they learn that they should not feel the way they do. They need to learn to trust their own feelings, which should serve as guideposts for them throughout life. 

Furthermore, repeatedly telling children what they should and should not feel will result in children talking less and not sharing what is going on for them.

2. Doing for children what they can and should do for themselves. 

This applies to simple things like children choosing clothes and dressing themselves. This applies to more complex tasks like speaking for themselves, making decisions or carrying out a school project. Often it seems easier for parents to do these things for their children. Parents want to prevent their children from making a “mistake.” In the long run, it is better for children to learn to do for themselves. Safe mistakes can make for memorable lessons. This helps children become more independent and responsible, which is the ultimate goal in parenting!

Being clear about your boundaries and respecting those of others, young and old, will help build your relationships, strengthen your parenting skills and reduce your stress. It is worth the effort!

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Nurturing the Adult Relationship: When Couples are Separated by Distance

Karen Hatch Gagne, Extension Educator

When couples know they are going to be separated for a period of time, whether in the military or elsewhere, they need to take time to talk about how they will nurture their relationship, continue their rituals, and perhaps build new ones during their time apart. Talking about their feelings and exploring ways they can support each other, may look very different from their support of each other now.

Most couples have rituals that provide a sense of belonging and security and re-enforce their values. Continuing these can help couples cope during stressful times and can strengthen their relationship. If one of the family rituals is sharing daily happenings at the dinner table, then couples need to find another way to continue this even when they are physically apart. These might include e-mail, letters, phone calls and websites.

Here are some ways to communicate and nurture your relationship from a distance:

• Start a scrap book for collecting letters, maps, and souvenirs.

• Hide gifts and notes before leaving home. Then send maps and clues periodically so your spouse can find them.

• Share daily happenings at home, especially fun and playful scenarios. Avoid information that will cause worry.

• Learn about your spouse’s job and other activities and events happening in the community or across the world.

• Send care packages. Include special treats, funny notes, items that have special significance to you as a couple.

• Record your thoughts in a journal with pictures, possibly in an on-line website.

• Send CD’s with favorite songs or load songs onto your website.

• Send hand-made coupons to each other, for dinner together, backrubs, weekend away when spouse returns.

When couples have been separated for a long duration of time, there are some things to remember as you plan for reuniting:

• Feeling nervous, anxious and stressed about your spouses’ arrival is normal.

• Getting reacquainted will take time, patience, understanding and good communication. This is especially true of re-establishing sexual intimacy.

• Accepting that you both may have changed is important.

It takes a great deal of thought, attention and commitment to nurture your relationship when you are living together. It takes even more when you are apart. The key is communication before the separation, about your feelings and ways you can stay connected, sustain your family rituals, and be creative in nurturing your relationship while apart. http://www.militaryonesource.com/skins/MOS/display.

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Today is Love Your Body Day
Aileen M. Fortune, Extension Educator

We are hearing much about the “obesity epidemic.” We are thinking about our health in new ways. We are paying attention to our eating habits, portion sizes and exercises. We are noticing the power of the media in our lives, and the increasing rewards for thinness.

Caring for our bodies is much more than what we eat and how much we exercise. Healthy body image and body satisfaction are important, too. Becoming healthier starts with greater appreciation and respect for our bodies.

The media is very powerful. It defines how we think about what we eat, look like, feel and do. Most girls feel badly about themselves and their bodies after reading fashion magazines. According to research from Dr. Diane Neumark-Sztainer of the University of Minnesota, 57% of teenage girls and 33% of teenage boys engage in unhealthy weight control behaviors, such as skipping meals, eating very little, or smoking for weight loss. Some teenagers engage in extreme behaviors, such as vomiting, using laxatives and taking diet pills. More girls than boys are dissatisfied with their bodies.

 What is the role of body dissatisfaction in making healthy changes?   Can we really take good care of what we don’t like? Body dissatisfaction is often linked to self-esteem in adolescents and can lead to depression. It is probably the strongest risk factor for the use of unhealthy weight control behaviors. According to Dr. Neumark-Sztainer, body dissatisfaction makes it difficult to accept compliments, describe ourselves in positive terms, or participate in activities that we enjoy like dancing, swimming and socializing.

Body dissatisfaction includes negative self-talk, comparisons to peers, and equating thinness with happiness, such as “If only I were thinner…”

What can you do to support healthy body image?  Here are a few ideas:

• Think critically about the media. Remember that advertisers make more money when you are dissatisfied with your body. Media images are often computer-altered to suggest perfection.

• Make your hopes and dreams more important than your appearance.

• Stop talking about your weight and dieting. Focus on what you can do to take better care of yourself.

• Accept different body shapes and sizes, including your own.
  Have fun and move more! Appreciate the amazing things your body does.

• Compliment especially girls more for their caring, conviction and what they do to make a difference, and less for their appearance. Appreciate yourself for these things too.

• Celebrate everyday as “Love Your Body” Day!
  
  Source: “I’m Like, SO Fat! Helping Your Teen Make Healthy Choices about  Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World” by Diane Neumark-Sztainer, PhD, 2005 Guilford Press, New York.

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Playtime for Adults
Louise O. Kirkland, CFLE, Extension Educator

Have you ever thought of “play” as a way to take care of yourself? How can you appreciate your “inner child” and have fun?

*Sue Baldwin, author of The Playful Adult says, that as we grow up, most adults learn to become “responsible.” In that process, we forget about the value of play. Baldwin says, “Play keeps us fit physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Without play, we get sick more often, we are less productive, and we sometimes become plain, old grumpy”.

If alone time is a real treat for you, here are some ways that being alone can enhance playfulness. These activities should set you free and tickle your spirit.

• Lie on a blanket outside and read a book.
• Use a soft cushion and stand on your head.
• Turn a somersault on your bed.
• Eat a peach without using your hands.
• Sing opera.

A great occasion for play is on your birthday. That is a special event!

• Plan your own birthday party.
• Test-drive your dream car.
• Bring a special cake to work to celebrate.
• Find restaurants that offer free meals to those having a birthday.
• Eat all three meals free.
• Take the day off from work. Declare it a holiday.

Friends are the family you choose. Include them in your play.

• Call a friend on the phone and laugh about silly things.
• Go out for a meal that ends with chocolate.
• Take a short trip together.
• Plan a monthly game night.
• Go shopping and try on hats or funny clothes.

On rainy days, go outside to enjoy the weather. As children, wasn’t this fun?

• Run through or jump over puddles on the sidewalk.
• Take a walk in the rain with or without an umbrella.
• Float popsicle sticks in puddles.
• Collect rain water to later use in making mud pies.
• Count the number of slugs on your walk through the rain.

Music can turn a bad day into a good day. With the sound of music, our feet tap and our lips hum.

• Play the oldies and see how many you remember by name.
• Put two spoons together between your knees and play a tune.
• Make a clucking sound with your tongue to any song you hear.
• Fill bottles up with different amount of water play a tune.

Be creative!
Play every day!

*Sue Baldwin is the owner of INSIGHTS Training and Consulting in Stillwater, Minnesota. She has a degree in counseling and work experience in administration, childcare, teaching and training. Her web site is: http://www.suebaldwin.com.

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For more information on educational programs in your area, contact your county Extension office.