University of Maine Cooperative Extension
Bulletin #4232 

Months 17 and 18

Emotions Are Blossoming

You have probably noticed by now that your little one can show intense feelings. You may have seen him become suddenly very excited, frustrated, happy, angry or fearful.

You can help him understand his feelings by giving each feeling a name. When a box won’t open or a car won’t roll, your little one may drop it or throw it in anger. Hold him and say calmly that you know it makes him angry when the toy won’t work. These words show your toddler that you understand his anger. It also gives him a word that helps him understand his feelings. Show him how the toy works, substitute another toy or just hold him gently. He will know you care about his feelings, and he will begin to learn to handle them. 

It takes many years for a child to understand and cope with his feelings. The help you give him now will make this learning easier.

Watch Out: Keep Exploring Safe for Your Toddler

Your child must explore in order to learn. Help her explore safely. She will explore everything around her. She will put everything into her mouth and reach for everything she can see. She will crawl or climb onto, into, above or below anything. She does not know what is dangerous. She cannot remember “no.” It is up to you to think ahead for her, to understand that at any time, she may suddenly do something that will put her in danger.

Remember, this booklet describes a typical child at each age. Each child is special and each child develops at his or her own pace. Perfectly normal children may do things earlier or later than those described in this booklet. If you are concerned about your child’s development, see your doctor.

Learning by Helping

Children learn best when parents are willing to share simple tasks with them, like cooking, cleaning and other household jobs.

When your child tries to help you, look for ways you can make helping fun for both of you. That way, your child will enjoy helping and will want to help more. Children can learn how to pour milk from a small pitcher by watching you. They can learn how to sweep the floor, pick flowers and hang up clothes. Toddlers spend up to 20 percent of their time just watching, listening and staring at you. They’re learning how to imitate the things you do. When you let your little person help you, you are giving him a chance to practice what he has learned. He will make mistakes, of course, but don’t scold him for these. Instead say, “That was a good try. Maybe it would work better if you did it this way.” Take the time to help him succeed now, and later he will be able to do more things for himself and for you. This is time well spent for both of you.

Show Your Toddler He’s Important to You

We feel better about ourselves if we think we are important to others. This is especially true of toddlers. They are forming opinions about themselves. Whether they feel loved, capable and important depends on how they are treated by people who care for them. Show your toddler you care about him and respect him. Let him know you love him just for being himself, not for what he does. Tell him you thought about him during the day while you were gone. Tell him that you like his smile, his laugh, his toes and ears. Show him you’re proud of all the things he is learning to do. Tell him how much you enjoy doing things with him.

Don’t assume he knows all this just because you take care of him. Take the time to put your affection into words. Loving words that come from the heart can never be said too often.

Sharing Is Hard

“Mine! Mine!” Do you hear that a lot from your little one? Sharing is a very difficult thing to learn. We don’t expect children to be able to share until they are about 3 years old, but you can begin to lay the foundation now.

How do you teach your child to share? Children probably learn best by having many good sharing experiences over a long period of time. You need to talk about what’s mine and what’s yours, what’s daddy’s, what’s mommy’s, and even what’s doggy’s. It also helps to demonstrate sharing behavior. For example, you’ve just cut an apple in half. You can say, “I have a red apple, and I will share my apple with you.”

If there are other children in your home, your child may need to learn sharing more quickly. Be sure she has some things that are just for her, that she does not have to share. She will need a lot of help from you to learn to share. Be patient and don’t expect true sharing until your young one is older.

Guidance Ideas

Those who study the development of young children generally agree that spanking and other physical punishment (like shaking, pinching and hitting) are not necessary for discipline and may be harmful to the child. Physical punishment, or the threat of it, is not likely to teach children to control themselves. In fact, it may teach them to be sneaky, aggressive and fearful. It can also teach that hitting or hurting others is okay. 

It is also harmful to punish a child by telling him you will leave him or stop loving him. Such threats can cause your toddler to feel he can’t trust you or that he is not important to you. He may feel fearful and insecure, and he may be less willing to cooperate with you.

Here are some discipline ideas that work for many parents:

• Catch your toddler being good and praise him. Too often, parents forget to do this. Praise will encourage him to be good, and will help him to understand which of his actions you like. Don’t let him think that you will only pay attention to him when he is being naughty.

• Tell your toddler what he should do instead of what he should not do. Say “Carry your coat this way” rather than “Don’t drag your coat on the ground.”

• Plan ahead. Before special visits and trips (like visits to grandma, parties or shopping), explain clearly to your toddler how you want him to behave.

• Take toys along on trips to fight boredom and crankiness. Keep surprise toys or snacks handy for hungry or fussy times.

• Set things up to encourage good behavior. Within reason, remove things you don’t want your child to touch. Limit visits with other children if you expect squabbles. Be sure your little one gets enough rest to avoid fussiness.

• Tell, don’t ask. If you want your child to act in a particular way, tell him what you want; don’t ask him. If you need to take him to the doctor say, “Now we are going to the doctor,” not “Do you want to go to the doctor now?” If it’s time to put toys away say, “Let’s put the toys away now,” not “Do you want to put your toys away?”

• Help your little one want to do what he needs to do. If you want him to pick up his toys, make it a game that you play with him. If he resists bath time, tell him a story in the bath.

• Offer alternatives. When your little one is doing something you don’t want him to do, suggest or substitute something else that he might enjoy. “You can pour water in a basin, not on the kitchen floor.” “You can throw the ball outside, not in the house.”

• Give choices. Sometimes you can help your toddler exercise his growing independence and get cooperation at the same time by giving him a choice. “Will you put your toys away in the basket or in the box?” or “Are you going to wear your sweater or your jacket when you go out to play?” 

• If you find yourself getting very angry at your child, take time out. Put your toddler in a safe place, tell him you are upset and that you need to be quiet for a few minutes. Then go to another place and try to relax. After this, it will be easier for you to guide him calmly and sensitively.
  
  If you must discipline your child, have your little one spend a few minutes alone in his room and take “time out.” 

Be Good to Yourself: When It Seems Everyone Is Against You

Sometimes the other adults in your life seem to be criticizing you all the time. It’s hard to be calm when someone is putting you down, but the way you respond can make a big difference. You can let them know that you accept what they say, but you don’t have to agree with them. By accepting, you’re simply saying “I hear you.” Here are some accepting words you can use to give yourself a little breathing room and avoid arguments.

• So you think I. . .

• I’ll think about what you said. . .

• I can see how you might feel that way. . .

If you don’t argue, it’s hard for others to keep putting you down.

Nutrition: It’s Okay to Eat a Little or a Lot

“You have to eat everything on your plate.” Is this something you were told as a child? After all, no one wants to see food wasted. It’s really unfair to ask your child to eat the same amount every day. Some days your child will be very hungry and will want more than you’ve put on his plate. Other days he will be less hungry and won’t want as much. Only your child knows how hungry he is, so let him decide how much to eat. Let him eat until he isn’t hungry anymore, then let him stop.

Many parents worry that their toddler isn’t eating enough, but most toddlers eat enough for growth and health. They don’t need to be bribed or rewarded to eat more.

Don’t punish your child for eating too little or for eating too much. If you do, your child will feel ashamed of his appetite and will begin to feel guilty about food. If there is food left on his plate, put it away for another meal or snack. If you find there is always food left on his plate, you may be giving him too much food and need to give less.

If your child asks for more of a certain food, and you don’t have any more of it, say you’re sorry there isn’t any more. Then offer more of the food that is still left. It takes a lot of patience to help children this age learn to eat well.

Health: Toddler Immunizations

Every child needs immunizations during infancy and early childhood. Some of these immunizations are given in the first six months of life, but others are not given until the child becomes a toddler.

The first toddler immunization protects against measles, mumps and rubella (German Measles) is called the MMR (measles, mumps, rubella) shot. It is given at 12 months to 15 months of age. One shot protects against all three of these childhood diseases.

Two of the immunizations given to toddlers — polio and DPT (diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis or “whooping cough”) — are more of the same ones your child received as a baby. This series of immunizations is very important to protect against dangerous diseases like polio and whooping cough. Frequently, doctors and clinics give the polio and DPT immunization at 12 months of age, along with the MMR immunization. Some doctors may delay the polio and DPT immunizations until the child is 15 months of age. Keep a written record of your toddler’s immunizations so that you can be sure she has the ones she needs. You will need to show proof that your child has been immunized before she can go to kindergarten. Ask your doctor for more information.

The web site for the most recent immunization schedule can be accessed at www.cdc.gov/nip/recs/child-schedule.htm#Printable. 

Homemade Toys That Teach

Toss Bags

Purpose: Toss bags can help your child develop muscles and coordination.

Materials:

• Clean scraps of cloth, old adult socks

• Crumpled paper or short strips of cloth
  

Making the Toy: Make the bag by sewing squares or other shapes out of cloth or by tying ends of adult socks. Fill your bag with crumpled paper or torn rags and sew up or tie the opening. For safety, double the bag covers and make the bags at least as big as tennis balls.

Playing: Toss bags are fun just to throw; they can also be thrown at targets or into wastebaskets or tossed to other people. You can tie a string to the toss bag and attach it to a playpen or a high chair for drop-and-pull-back games.

Play is Fun, Not Work

In every issue, we describe games you can play with your toddler for enjoyment and for growth. These games will help him solve problems, understand the world and learn the things he will need to know to succeed in school. Remember, these games should be fun for both you and your child. If you turn the games into work or into contests, your toddler will not want to play them. He might become discouraged about learning new things or feel like a failure. This will rob you both of the enjoyment and learning you can have together.

Play the game only when you and your toddler both want to play it. Stop the game before your child gets tired or bored. This may mean playing the game only for a few minutes. Don’t criticize your child for mistakes or failures; do praise his efforts and his successes. Use your imagination to vary the games so that they are more fun; encourage your little one to do the same. Make the play challenging but not frustrating for your child.

Play and learning go together, especially for your toddler. Keep play light, creative and fun. 

Games for Growing

Sounds Things Make

Purpose of the Game: To help your child pronounce difficult words and learn to connect with sounds.

How to Play:

• Sit together in any relaxed position.

• Imitate sounds for your child. Use your body to show action, like when a jet goes "zoom,” a duck goes “quack,” a fire engine goes “ding-ding-ding,” a train goes “choo-choo,” a dog goes “wuuff-wuuff.”

• After each sound you make, ask the child, “How does a jet go?” or “How does a dog go?”

• You can use a picture or model of the objects when you play this game.

It’s Always in the Same Place

Purpose of the Game: To help your child pick the can that a toy is under three times in a row so that he can learn to use clues like sizes and shapes to solve problems.

How to Play:

• Sit with your child at a table or on the floor.

• Tell your child to turn around and not to peek.

• Put a toy under one of three different sizes of tin cans.

• Ask your child to guess which can it is under.

• Change the position of the cans, but always put the toy under the same can.

• When your child guesses the right can, say, “Good, let’s try it a few more times to see if you know where the toy is always hidden.”

Remember, when playing any game with your child, be flexible. Change the way you play it, and encourage your child to change the game too. Games should be fun for both of you.

Questions and Answers

Q. How can I keep my daughter from being spoiled?

A. Most of us think a “spoiled” child is one who always expects to get her own way, even at the expense of others. She is demanding, self-centered, and most unpleasant to be around.

We have said you cannot spoil a young baby by giving her care, comfort and attention when she wants it. One-year-olds who have been well cared for are generally secure and trusting. Babies who have uncertain care during their first year may become fearful and more demanding.

During a child’s second and third years, “spoiling” can happen if parents don’t set limits or don’t enforce limits consistently. Children become spoiled when parents give in to unreasonable demands, fail to limit annoying behavior or allow their children’s minor needs to inconvenience others. When limits are clear and enforced all the time, children learn how to succeed within these limits. This builds self-esteem.

Children need and want reasonable limits and rules that they can understand and follow. Don’t be afraid that your toddler will dislike you if you don’t always give her what she wants. Let her know you love her, but will not let her misbehave. Help her understand what the rules are, why they are needed and what will happen if she does not follow them. Setting and enforcing limits shows your toddler that you will help her to grow up safely, competently and “unspoiled.”

Sources

“A Guide for Home Care and Prevention of Childhood Injuries,” (1986). North County Health Services, Maternal and Child Health Department, San Marcos, California. Reprinted by permission.

Ames, L.B., F.L. and C.C.Haber (1982). Your One-Year-Old: The Fun Loving, Fussy 12- to 24-Month-Old, New York: Dell Publishing Co. Inc.

Barth, R. (1983). “Social and Cognitive Methods for Helping Pregnant and Parenting Adolescents to Cope with Stress,” Berkeley: University of California, School of Social Welfare.

Brazelton, T.B. (1974). Toddlers and Parents. New York: Delta Publishing Co.

Caplan, F. and T. Caplan (1980). The Second Twelve Months of Life: Your Baby’s Growth Month by Month. New York: Bantam Books.

Halverson, V., A. Maretzske and J. Kreeger (1981). Keike 'O Hawaii. Cooperative Extension, Hawaii.

Lally, J.R. and I.J. Gordon (1977). Learning Games for Infants and Toddlers. New York: New Readers Press, Publishing Division of Laubach Literacy International. Reprinted by permission.

Lamberts, M. (1980). Young Parent. Cooperative Extension, University of Arizona.

Contributors

Nutrition: Joanne Ikeda, M.A., R.D., nutrition education specialist, University of California Cooperative Extension.

Health: Marcy Jones, Health Promotion Consultant, California Department of Health Services.

For more information on family issues, contact your county Extension office or the Family Living Office, University of Maine Cooperative Extension, 5717 Corbett Hall, Orono, ME 04469-5717, (207) 581-3448/3104 or 1-800-287-0274 (in Maine).

Published and distributed in furtherance of Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914, by the University of Maine Cooperative Extension, the Land Grant University of the state of Maine and the U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating. Cooperative Extension and other agencies of the U.S.D.A. provide equal opportunities in programs and employment.

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