Child Development Fact Sheet
This fact sheet series was adapted and reprinted from two Extension publications: Parenting the First Year, a North Central Regional Extension Publication, number 321, produced by UW-Extension, Cooperative Extension, and Parent Express: A Month-by-Month Newsletter for You and Your Baby produced by the University of California Cooperative Extension.
Prepared by Pam LaHaye, Extension associate, child development coordinator, University of Maine Cooperative Extension.

University of Maine Cooperative Extension
Bulletin #4246

3 Years, 9 Months

Family Traditions Foster Security

Do you have special traditions in your family — a favorite food for a birthday dinner, special activities for Thanksgiving, a well-worn ornament for the Christmas tree? These special things bring families together. They make precious memories.

Your little one will love to celebrate holidays. Plan special family times that your child can look forward to. Let children have a job to get ready. Picking out the Christmas tree or Grandmother’s birthday present are projects sure to be remembered in years to come.

These family traditions give both children and adults a sense of belonging. They help us know who we are and where we came from. This feeling of security is important to your preschooler.

Help Your Child Cope with Stress

As children get older and face new experiences, they also feel stress. Stress is the feeling that we cannot handle everyday activities and events. Children can be pressured by having busy schedules, fears, demanding parents and expectations that are too high.

Young children will let you know they are troubled by their behavior. Bedwetting, unusual crying, nightmares and becoming more demanding are signs of stress.

New experiences, such as going to a new day care center, can upset a 3- or 4-year-old. Other typical problems might be a new baby in the family or fights between Mom and Dad.

Teach your child at an early age how to deal with stress. Show your child how to manage time. We must all make decisions about how much we can do in each hour. Help him set realistic goals. Don’t force him into experiences he is not ready for.

Teach your child how to relax. Recreation and leisure activities are important parts of our lives, not a luxury. Show your child how to stop and take a deep breath.

One of the best stress relievers for you and your child is to spend some happy time together. Watch for signs of stress. Be available to talk to your child about what he is thinking and feeling. Sometimes, having someone to share a problem with makes it seem easier to handle. 

Snack Tips for Healthy Kids

Snacks should be a regular part of a child’s diet. Since preschoolers’ stomachs are still small, they eat small meals. Most children need more than three meals each day. Snacks should be nutritious, not “junk” food. Good snacks include fruit, cheese, juices, popcorn, crackers with peanut butter, fresh carrots or celery, flavored yogurt, and bread and butter.

Safety First

Children still learn by watching adults. This can be a problem when it comes to safety. Your child will watch you use power tools and want to do the same thing. Your child will watch you plug in electric cords, use matches to start a fire and take medicine. Your child will want to imitate you, but will not understand the dangers.

A preschooler’s curiosity will lead her to the medicine cabinet to look at the little bottles and colored pills. She will climb on a stool and stand on the kitchen counter to get the matches off a top shelf. This is just being curious, not “bad.”

What can a parent do to avoid accidents? Here are some ideas:

• Store dangerous materials in high cabinets, with locks if necessary.

• Explain to your child why he should not touch some things. “These matches are only for me to use. They might hurt you.” “We don’t play with sharp knives. They could cut you.”

• Teach safety rules. “You can help me vacuum, but I will plug it in.” “Only one person can climb on the ladder. First I will go up, then you can have a turn with my help.”

• Show safety rules by being a good example. Put covers back on cleaning products and put them away after each use. Fasten your safety belt every time you get in the car. Unplug electric cords with fingers on the plug. Don’t yank the cord from two feet away.

• Check on your child’s activities often. Be sure you know where he is at all times.

Keeping Fit, Family Style

Physical fitness is a habit that we learn. Children learn early to choose between sitting indoors and watching television or going outside to play ball. Parents teach fitness by their example.

Are you overweight? Do you have high blood pressure? Do you eat a balanced diet? Do you limit caffeine, sugar and salt? Do you regularly participate in sports or exercises?

Now is a good time to get together as a family and get in shape. It is hard to find time in a busy schedule to exercise, but the rewards are worth the effort. Staying in shape helps you look better and feel better. Regular exercise helps you handle stress. Eating nutritious foods helps keep the heart, digestive tract and circulation running smoothly. Fewer major health problems and visits to the doctor save time and money.

What activities does your family enjoy? Have you tried hiking, swimming, bicycling, running, aerobics, tennis, racquetball, boating, camping, baseball, soccer, karate, walking, roller skating or gardening?

Read to Me

Preschoolers should be read a story every day. This can be a time of quiet fun and discovery. Find some special place for reading. This may be the sofa in your living room or a special chair on the front porch. Keep it reserved for story hour.

Let children see the pictures when you read to them. Involve them in talking about the story. Encourage them to talk about which parts they liked best. Did the story frighten them? Let them discuss the characters of the story and the pictures. Reading can be an activity to help wind down before going to bed at night or at times when children have become overexcited. 

Take the preschoolers to the local library. A whole new world of learning awaits them in the library. They are free to browse through as many books as they wish. Borrowing books from the library can become a lifetime habit.

Ways to Build Trust

• Tell your child trust means you can count on each other.

• Say: “I trust you to do the right thing.”

• Keep promises.

• If you have to break a promise, tell your child why.

• Admit your mistakes.

• Say: “I’m sorry” when you need to.

• Stick with the rules and limits you set.

• Keep secrets your child tells you.

• Be on time.

• Do not tease or scare your child.

• Never say: “I’m going to leave you.”

• Do not make excuses.

Cognitive Development from 3 to 4 Years

Cognitive development refers to the ability to know and understand the world. During the early childhood years, the child makes many gains in this area of development and will become more competent in learning and able to understand concepts such as age, time and space.

Egocentrism

Children are egocentric and truly believe that the world revolves around them. For example, your child may receive a bath every day before her lunch at noon. If you change her routine and bathe her at 10 in the morning, she will expect lunch to follow. It will be difficult, indeed impossible, to explain that lunch is served at noon and not because she gets a bath.

Egocentrism can also be seen in children’s speech. Your child may tell you a story in which information is left out and the proper sequence of events is ignored. Your 3-year-old assumes that you know what she is talking about. She thinks that you know everything that she knows!

If you play a game with your child, you will quickly realize that she has her own set of rules. If you try to change the rules, she may ignore you. Why? Because she cannot understand your point of view, or even that you might have one which differs from hers.

Relationships

Preschool children also have difficulty understanding relationships. If asked to put more than two items in order, such as arranging toy cars from smallest to largest, the preschooler will not be able to solve the problem. He will arrange them in some random order. He also has trouble understanding that Uncle Joe is Daddy’s brother!

Conservation

Have you ever tried to give two preschoolers the same amount of milk (say one cup), but you poured one cup into a short, wide glass and the other cup into a tall, thin glass? If so, you may have come to the realization that preschool children don’t understand the concept of conservation. That is, that an amount of a substance remains the same even though it may change shape. 

In the above situation, the preschooler who got his milk in the short, wide glass probably became upset and insisted that he didn’t receive as much milk as his friend. You probably tried to explain that the amount of milk is the same. His protests, however, no doubt ended only when you poured his milk into a tall, thin glass similar to his friend’s glass. Your preschooler only paid attention to the height of the milk in the glass. Because it was higher than in the short, wide glass, he thought his friend was getting “more,” even though you did not add any more milk to the tall glass. By the time your preschooler is 6 or 7 years of age, he will have a sure grasp of the concept of conservation.

Classes

Preschoolers do not have the intellectual ability to classify items or to organize objects or ideas into categories. For example, a preschooler is unable to put an assortment of red, blue and green circles, squares and triangles into categories. He may start to make a pile of red, blue and green triangles but then add a blue square and a red circle. Although the child is able to tell the difference between the various shapes and colors, he is not able to concentrate for very long on a single attribute, for instance, all squares or all “reds.” Children also have difficulty understanding the meaning of “all” and “some,” which is necessary in order to classify correctly.

How do children move beyond the concepts and reasoning of the preschool years? According to many child development specialists, children’s intellectual development advances through both the maturity of the central nervous system and through play with materials, toys, children and adults. With time and experience, a preschooler begins to realize that the amount of play dough he has remains the same no matter what shape it takes. While playing with other children, the preschooler begins slowly to realize that if he wants to have friends, he must consider the views and feelings of others and adjust his behavior accordingly. Through childhood play and conflicts, children become less egocentric and begin to reason more as school-age children.

Teaching Styles that Stimulate Learning

When parents set aside a few minutes for activity with their toddlers, it can be fun and stimulating for all. When the parents who raise the brightest preschoolers set out to play with them, what exactly do they do? Researchers find that they use a special teaching style.

In a research study, mothers were asked to give their preschoolers as much or as little help as they liked in solving a difficult puzzle. Parents who are good teachers are different from other parents in the following ways:

They let the child do it. They intrude less, allowing the child more time to work at his or her own pace. They don’t jump in impatiently to show the child the correct solution. They help the child, but only when the child really needs it.

They give general problem-solving advice. These mothers were more likely to say things like, “Find the piece that fits in the corner,” or, “Try another one,” rather than, “This one goes there.” They give their child a hint or a method rather than a solution. The child still has to solve the puzzle.

Sometimes, these mothers gave the child direct instructions to get them involved (or re-involved) in an activity: “OK, start over on this side, and use the sponge.” Then they gradually withdrew help, as the child showed an interest and ability to finish the task alone.

They give manageable tasks. Some tasks are too big or too complex for a child. Parents who are good teachers know how to break a big task into smaller parts that are still challenging, but that the child can handle. For example, instead of just telling a child to wash the car, a parent could add that the first step is to get out the hose and wet down the whole car. This is a manageable step. After the child succeeds with this step, the parent could go on to the next step: “Now we need to wipe the car with soapy sponges. Let’s start with the left front fender.” This way, a large complex task is broken into pieces the child can manage. The child learns two things: how to wash a car and how to manage a task that looks too big. 

They give advice in the form of questions. The mothers in this study would more often say, “Which piece is long like this?” rather than, “This one is next.” Questions challenge the child to think, and they teach the child what questions to ask himself or herself in problem-solving.

They tell the child what he or she is doing right, rather than wrong. The mothers praised their children much more. Of course, they still corrected the child when necessary. But compared to other mothers, they were more likely to “catch their kids being good.”

They elaborate on the child’s language. If the child picked up a puzzle piece and said “blue,” the mother might expand on her child’s language by responding, “Yes, it’s light blue and shaped like a banana.” She might also ask questions that provoke further thought: “What kind of blue is it?” “Look at its shape. What does it remind you of?” This kind of responsive conversation is crucial to children’s development of vocabulary and language skills.

Positive Approaches to Help Your Child Assume Responsibility

• Have realistic expectations about what is normal. Don’t expect your preschooler to do something beyond her years. The extent of involvement for the average 3- or 4-year-old is to help others with household jobs. But give tasks that slightly stretch your preschooler’s abilities.

• Acknowledge needs for independence. Preschoolers test limits. As they push toward independence, at one moment they may be willing and at the next moment resistant. There is no simple solution when a child is resistant. Often, the manner or technique you as a parent use to involve your child is a set-up for him to resist whatever it is you want him to do. Don’t take your child’s resistance as a personal threat. Rather, avoid situations that lead to power struggles whenever possible.

• Show appropriate use of power without punishment. Research indicates that when children perceive the use of physical punishment to get them to do something, their ability to understand what the parent is trying to teach is blocked. This is much like a high-stress situation for an adult when one loses the ability to think clearly. Approach a situation in a pleasant, calm, matter-of-fact way. If children are ordered to do a task, they recognize they are in a win-or-lose (me against you) situation and increase their resistance because they perceive the outcome is a big deal to you.

• Never threaten to withdraw love. When a parent says, “I won’t speak to you until you say you are sorry,” or “I don’t like you when you do that,” the child may become so anxious and withdrawn that she is afraid to do most anything. The notion that a parent doesn’t love her is terrifying to the child. Instead, parents can say, “I don’t like it (not you) when your room gets so messy,” and not imply, directly or indirectly, that they don’t love the child.

• Give specific praise. Global praise (“You’re the best child in the world!”) can lead the child to feel inadequate (“How can I be the best child in the world? They must be making that up.”). Praise that is specific to the task is more effective. “You picked up your room so well. Look, all the books are back on the shelves.” 

• Give valid limited choices. Because children are into power, testing and refusals may be less of a power struggle when you give children certain kinds of choices. The wording of the choice is important. “Would you like to put the napkins or the forks on the table?” Don’t say, “Would you like to set the table?” unless you’re willing to take no for an answer. Saying, “What would you like to do to help?” can also overwhelm children because of the many possibilities. Limit choices. “Would you like to pick up the blocks or the books?” Rather than ask, “Clean up your room,” be specific and ask the child to, “Pick up your stuffed animals.” Instead of, “Would you like to get ready for bed?” say, “Would you like to wash your face or brush your teeth first?” When choice is not possible, state the fact. “We’re all going to the store, so you can pick out one thing to buy there.”

• Use reason. When children are told why they should or should not do something, it becomes a learning situation. A parent facing a pile of toys can say, “We need to pick up all the Legos together so neither of us has so much to do” or “so they’ll be in one place and we can play with them again.” Rather than say, “Hurry up, slow-poke,” say, “We need to walk fast so we can get to the store before it closes.” Suggesting, “Try to put just a few peas on your spoon so they don’t all spill off” is more positive than saying, “You eat like a slob. If anyone saw your table manners, I’d be embarrassed to death.” Using non-judgmental language in a neutral approach teaches children to develop standards of what’s right and wrong based on their own independent thinking rather than on fear of punishment or being called names. 

• Focus the child’s attention on the job. For the child with a messy room, you may have greater success by directing the child’s attention to the job, forewarning that, “In a few minutes, it will be time to clean up the toys,” or “I’ll set the timer so you can finish your drawing. When it goes off, it will be time to get dressed.” However, children differ in their capacity to respond to warnings. Some need a substantial amount of time to complete what they are doing before switching into a new activity. Lengthy and perhaps repeated warnings may be effective with them, while for others warnings that are far in advance can provoke anxiety. Adapt any technique to your child’s style.

• Make a game out of getting dressed or picking up toys. Try the Mary Poppins Principle: “In any job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find the fun and snap, the job is done.” Try doing a 10-minute Panic Pick-up. Set a timer, say “on your mark, get set, go.” Chores can almost be fun as you race the time.

• Involve children in the task at hand. Think of common tasks in which to involve preschoolers: dress self, brush teeth, bathe self, pick up belongings, put dirty clothes away, hang up clean clothes, make the bed, wipe spills, set the table, fix snacks, wash dishes, carry boxed or canned goods from the grocery bags to the storage shelf, help feed pets, sort laundry, measure ingredients.

What Children Need

• Your love. Your child needs to be loved “as is.” Children need love whether they are right or wrong, happy or sad, pretty or plain.
• Your acceptance. Never reject a child because of poor behavior. Behavior may not always be acceptable; the child must always be accepted.
• Your respect. Treat your child as a valued human being. Let your child make choices. Explain your decisions. Have confidence in your child’s abilities.
• Your honesty. Children need to know and trust people. Lies, half-truths and deceptions confuse a child.
• Your fairness. Your child needs to know the rules for good behavior and that you will enforce the rules fairly.
• Your understanding. A child has the right to be understood. Listen to your child. If you don’t listen and learn, you can never understand.
• Your patience. Parents can easily expect too much. Children need to be taught and told and shown again and again. When they are hurried and pressured, they often do less than they are able to do.
• Your consistency. Adult behavior should be consistent — the same today and tomorrow. Changing rules too often confuses children and makes them feel insecure.
• Your time. Your child needs your attention and companionship. Take time to listen, learn, teach, play, read, watch. If you don’t, who will?
• Your empathy. Try to feel what the child feels, see things as the child sees them, and understand things as the child understands them.

• Your flexibility. As your child grows and changes, the way you guide your child should change, too. Grow with your child. Adjust your attitudes, rules and discipline. 

Games for Growing

Blow Painting

A fun way to teach your child about pattern and color is blow painting. If your child has learned to blow through a straw, try pouring some non-toxic paint on paper and letting her blow the paint into a pattern. Add a new color and try again. Watch younger children closely in case they are tempted to try to “drink” the paint through the straw.

Treasure Hunt Walk

Paste or draw objects on cards that your child is to find outside. Go for a walk, and let him find the objects that match those on the card.

Questions Parents Ask:
What Can I Do About My Children Fighting with Each Other?

Parents cannot stop this rivalry. Interfering and settling the squabbles often only makes the situation worse. But you can lessen the rivalry if you:

1. Let your children settle their own squabbles.

2. Treat each child as a unique person.

3. Give each child some individual attention.

4. Give your children private spaces and possessions of their own.

5. Provide a variety of fun activities for siblings to do together.

Sources

Barber, K. (1988). “The Job of Parenting.” (EM4774). Cooperative Extension, College of Agriculture & Home Economics, Washington State University, Pullman: WA.

Bower, D. (1992). “1-2-3 Grow! 3 Years 4 Months – 3 Years 6 Months.” (L398-10). Cooperative Extension Service/The University of Georgia, College of Agricultural & Environmental Sciences. Athens, GA.

Bower, D. (1992). “1-2-3 Grow! 3 Years 9 Months – 4 Years.” (L398-12). Cooperative Extension Service/The University of Georgia, College of Agricultural & Environmental Sciences. Athens, GA.

Frazier, B. H. (1992-93). “Parents: Show You Care - Build Trust.” (240). Cooperative Extension Service, The University of Maryland System.

Fulton, A. M. “Understanding Children: The Early Childhood Years.” (T-2369). Cooperative Extension Service. Oklahoma State University. 

Lee, I. K. “Developmental Activities for Children and Parents.” University of Arkansas.

North Dakota Extension Service. (1992). “Parenting Preschoolers: Let Me Help.”

Riley, D. and Felts-Grabarski, E. (1988). “Stimulate Your Young Child’s Thinking.” University of Wisconsin-Extension.

Temke, M. “Early Childhood: The 3-, 4- and 5-Year-Old Child – Changes in Thinking.” University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension.

For more information on family issues, contact your county Extension office or the Family Living Office, University of Maine Cooperative Extension, 5717 Corbett Hall, Orono, ME 04469-5717, (207) 581-3448/3104 or 1-800-287-0274 (in Maine).

Published and distributed in furtherance of Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914, by the University of Maine Cooperative Extension, the Land Grant University of the state of Maine and the U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating. Cooperative Extension and other agencies of the U.S.D.A. provide equal opportunities in programs and employment.

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