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Years, 3 Months
What’s Your Parenting Style?
Parents often ask themselves these questions: Am I a good parent? Did I do what was best for my child in that situation? Will the way I parent help our relationship grow or drive my child away? Is there a better way to get my child to act responsibly and still feel good about myself as a parent?
Since parents have pondered these questions for many years, studies have been done to determine what parents can do to raise children to be happy, well-adjusted and respectful adults. A parent’s job is not to raise children to remain children any more than a farmer would plant a seed to raise a seed. The farmer plants seeds and nurtures them; provides the best soil, nutrients and growing conditions possible; and expects to grow sturdy, productive plants. A parent’s job is to provide the best growing conditions possible and expect each child will eventually grow into a responsible adult.
The parenting style you choose will make a difference in the life of your child. People often use the same discipline and nurturing patterns their parents used. Other times, people make a conscious effort to use a very different style than their parents used. Either way, it is never too late to change to a style that is more positive for your child.
What Do the Studies Say?
Research has determined there are three different styles of parenting: authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. Here are the characteristics of each.
Parenting Styles and How They Affect Children
Parenting Style: Authoritarian (Autocratic)
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“Do what I say!”
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Control is a major issue.
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You’re the boss.
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Rigid rules.
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Children aren’t asked, they are told.
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Demands respect through fear.
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Ignores feelings of children and others.
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May use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperation.
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Little verbal exchange takes place.
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Makes all decisions.
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Children:
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Are unable to initiate an activity.
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Have difficulty making friends.
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Have poor communication skills.
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Are coercive, sneaky.
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Are demanding.
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Are unsympathetic.
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Are withdrawn.
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Comply or defy.
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Are lonely.
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Have poor self-image.
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Lack inner controls.
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Are scared.
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Parenting Style: Authoritative (Democratic)
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“Let’s talk it over.”
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Power is shared.
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Parent sets rules and limits, but children have choices within limits.
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Shows loving firmness.
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Recognizes normal stages of growing up.
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Fosters self-control in children by not bribing or punishing.
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Corrects misbehavior by talking about feelings, expectations and what to do instead.
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Children:
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Are socially competent.
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Are responsible.
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Are trustworthy.
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Have high self-esteem.
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Are cooperative.
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Have strong sense of self-discipline.
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Are confident.
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Are determined.
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Develop positive relationships with family, friends and others.
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Parenting Style: Permissive
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“Do what you want to.”
There are two types of permissive parenting styles:
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Indifferent or Uncaring:
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Indulgent or Lenient:
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Children (Indifferent or Uncaring):
Children (Indulgent or Lenient):
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Questions Parents Ask:
Will Naps Be Outgrown During the 5th Year?
All children are different. Many 4-year-olds will no longer be taking afternoon naps, yet some will require up to an hour of rest sometime during the day. A quiet period is recommended for most children this age, whether they sleep or not, since this time allows the child time to relax. It is important to observe children this age carefully and to readjust nighttime schedules when needed. A busy day might require an earlier bedtime than usual!
Watch Out: Lighters Are Dangerous
Fire loss data for 1987 through 1989 show that children under the age of 5 playing with lighters caused an estimated 5,800 residential fires, 170 deaths and nearly 1,200 injuries each year. A mandatory standard is expected to prevent more than 100 of the 170 estimated deaths each year associated with these fires.
Children less than 5 years old are twice as likely to die as the general population when a fire occurs, and this is largely because of fires started by children playing with lighters or matches. Children as young as 2 or 3 years are known to have ignited these fires. When a fire occurs, children frequently run and hide rather than informing an adult or trying to escape. The Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) reminds parents and caregivers to:
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Keep all lighters and matches out of reach of children.
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Never encourage a child to play with a lighter or to think of it as a
toy. Do not use it as a source of amusement for a child. Once their curiosity is aroused, children may seek out a lighter and try to light it.
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Purchase the new child-resistant cigarette lighters.
Helping Your Preschooler Deal with Stress
Preschoolers need loving reassurance and support. They have little control over their lives and are too young to use problem-solving skills to work through situations.
Common stressful situations include: starting or changing day care, starting preschool, the arrival of a new baby or family member, being separated from a parent, being disciplined and toilet training. Preschoolers also worry that they will be deserted or starve, and they may become fearful of strangers. Scary things, sickness and the unknown also are stressful.
You will know that your child is suffering from too much stress if he has less energy than normal, is more irritable, has night terrors or nightmares, more frequent temper tantrums, becomes more clinging or demanding, or is crying more than usual.
What can you do? It is up to you to recognize warning signs of stress and to help your child through the difficulty. Help your child understand the situation. Explain what is going on in simple, reassuring language. Encourage your child to talk about his fears. He needs to learn to say things like, “I don’t like it when your dog barks,” or “I’m afraid to go into that dark room.”
Don’t tell your child that his fears are silly; they are very real to him. Ease his tension by offering understanding, support and plenty of affection. Holding and cuddling a young child will help to ease the stress. Finally, you can increase your child’s sense of security by remaining calm during times of difficulty.
When should you seek help? When you are unsuccessful in attempts to help your child, or when the problem is too much for you to handle, get professional help. Don’t hesitate to ask for advice.
Helping Young Children Cope with Anger
Children become angry in a variety of situations. A child may be angry with Mom because she won’t let him go to a friend’s house to play, or angry with Dad because he won’t buy him gum at the store.
Many adults have learned to ignore their feelings of anger or to act out their anger by hitting or yelling at someone. Therefore, adults often deal with a child’s anger by demanding he stop being angry, by sending the child to her room until she can behave better or by hitting the child. However, these actions do not help children learn to handle strong emotions such as anger.
Although feeling angry is a part of life that no one can avoid, we can teach children positive ways to cope with anger. Adults can teach children the difference between feeling angry and acting on anger. Children need to be told that feeling mad is neither good nor bad, but hitting someone out of anger is not OK. In the short run, life at home will be easier when children learn how to work through anger. In the long run, children will continue developing ways to cope with anger as they become teenagers and adults, and will pass these skills along to their own children.
Specific Ways Children Can Cope with Anger
Children can learn to handle their anger in several ways. Give children several choices so they can pick those that work best for them. Remember that some angry episodes take longer than others to solve.
Do something physical. Do something with your body, such as stomp your feet (the “Mad Dance”), run around the house or punch a pillow. Or play with playdough, clay or bread dough, which can be rolled out, pounded, twisted and pulled apart. Any of these physical activities can help children focus their anger on something else and calm down.
Talk about your feelings. Some young children can talk to a parent, brother or sister, grandparent or friend about what’s making them angry. Talking helps some people work through their anger so they can accept what’s making them angry or solve the problem in a positive way. If children can’t or won’t talk to a person, they can be encouraged to talk to a family pet, a puppet or an imaginary friend.
Sing an “un-mad” song. Help children make up words to a song or poem that expresses what they’re feeling. Words from a favorite song can be substituted with this “un-mad” song. For example, the words “I’m, so mad ‘cause I can’t play. Go a-way, go-away, day!” can be sung to a familiar or made-up tune.
Ask other people how they cope with their feelings of
anger. Help children collect ideas from other people on how to cope with anger. Help the child decide which ones are OK based on the information in this fact sheet.
Drain the anger from your body. Let children take a warm bubble bath to wash the unhappy feelings away. They can blow bubbles from the bubble bath as if blowing the bad feelings away. Or let the child scribble as hard as she can on a scrap of paper and throw the paper away as if throwing the anger away. Encourage the child to dictate a story about what made her angry to an adult and have the adult read it back. The child can then crumple up the paper and throw it away.
Research in Brief: Self-Concepts
Research findings indicate that how parents and caregivers act towards children has a lot to do with how children feel about themselves. If a parent or caregiver develops a warm, loving relationship with many smiles, hugs and words of encouragement, a child is likely to see herself as a worthwhile and good person. If a parent consistently scolds, yells, slaps, makes humiliating remarks or discourages a child, the child will feel unloved and will not view herself as a worthy and good person.
How children feel about themselves affects everything they do. A child who has a good self concept (that is, one who feels that she is loved by her parents and is able to do many things in life successfully) is likely to accept responsibility, to try a new task, such as riding a bike, to achieve in school and to grow into a productive member of society.
Here are some suggestions you might use to help your child develop a good self-concept:
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Try to be fair when giving attention and privileges to your children. If another child or a brother or sister receives something special, explain why this has happened. Reassure your preschooler that you love him just as much as you do the child who has received the privilege. Try to give equal amounts of attention to all of your children.
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Give your child plenty of affection (hugging, kissing, holding) and tell her you love her very much. Unless you tell and show your child that you love her, she has no way of knowing it.
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Answer questions that your child asks directly and do this as soon as possible. Children need to know that adults will respond to them and that they are worthy of getting the attention of their parents and caregivers.
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Encourage your child to do things for
himself, for instance, making his bed and dressing himself. He won’t be able to do these things as well as you or an older child, but he will feel very proud of himself if you praise him for a job well done. With a few months of practice, he’ll put his shirt on right-side out and line up buttons with the appropriate buttonholes. In the meantime, praise him for his attempts and live with imperfections!
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Accept a child’s feelings and help her express in words why she is angry or
unhappy. Once feelings are expressed, the feelings may quickly disappear. If not, you can help your child cope with these feelings.
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If your child says, “I hate you,” try not to over-react. To your preschooler, the word “hate” is probably just another word and is a way of saying, “I don’t like what’s going on here.” Help him explain why he is angry at you and help him find a solution to the problem.
By helping a child develop a good self-concept day in and day out, a parent or caregiver is paving the way for their child to grow into a well-adjusted adult.
Setting Limits
Learning and growing are the most important jobs in the preschool years. Parents need to set a few simple rules and be consistent in making sure they are followed.
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Remind children of the rules.
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Provide a good play environment.
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Help children solve problems.
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Offer choices.
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Notice the good and ignore the bad (when possible).
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Redirect negative behaviors.
Adults who do these things show children that they are loved in a respectful way.
Teaching Values: A Blueprint for Life
Values: The Cornerstones
Your values are the ideas you have about:
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What is important and what is not.
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What is good and what is bad.
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What is right and what is wrong.
You may, for example, think the most worthwhile things in life are honesty and friendship. Or, you may pursue wealth and power. You may never even stop to think about your values. Nevertheless, they are there. They are standing behind your beliefs, attitudes, interests and goals. They affect:
In other words, your values give meaning and direction to every part of your life.
Experience: The Bricks
Your values have grown out of your experience within a certain family and culture. Some families, for example, place a high value on learning. Others think physical fitness is more important. Some cultures stress group cooperation. Others reward individual ambition.
But, most likely, the values you learned as a child have changed over time. As the world has changed, so have your values. As you have grown, so have they.
You have probably found, too, that it is not always easy to decide what is good and bad, right and wrong, true and false. To find out what values work best for you, you have to weigh all the choices. And you have to act on these choices to learn if you are willing to accept the results. The best time to start clarifying values in these ways is in a child’s earliest years.
Parents: The Architects
Your values will have a great effect on your children. But your children are picking up other ideas about values from everything and everyone around them.
Your children may have found that some people hold values that seem strange or even wrong. Without some help from you, your children may be confused about what to believe. They may put down values that are different from their own. Or they may adopt values you feel are dangerous.
To be sure your children form values you want them to have:
Try to give your children confidence in their values and at the same time respect what others value.
Your children’s search for the meanings of values might lead you to ask yourself why you value certain things. It could force you to work through problems you tried to sweep under the rug. In other words, as you help your children build values, you strengthen your own.
Some Valuable Decisions
Since your children will end up valuing many of the same things as you do, you should look closely at your values:
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Are you proud to pass these values on to your children?
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Do you tell your children what you believe and where you stand?
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Do you explain why you make certain decisions and choices?
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Are your children getting the same messages from both you and your spouse?
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Do you practice what you preach?
Those Four-Letter Words
Parents have many reactions to a child’s use of a four-letter word. These reactions range from alarm, anger and worry to embarrassment, disgust, hurt and a feeling of failure.
Obscene, profane or otherwise inappropriate four-letter words have a magical quality to most children. At a very early age, children learn these words aren’t like most other words in
their vocabulary.
These words have a certain power, the power to produce a reaction in their parents. Usually, this reaction is emotional and is almost instantaneous. Children know their parents will be upset when they say _____. No other word has this same power.
Children become fascinated with their use of a particular word. They try out the word in different settings. When certain words are forbidden, children’s fascination with the word increases.
How Children Learn Four-Letter Words
One mother remarked that she was horrified when her young daughter used a four-letter word at a family reunion. “Where did she learn it?”
That’s difficult to say. The girl may have overheard it in a conversation. If she has an older brother or sister, or plays with older children, she may have picked it up from one of them. Some children learn four-letter words by listening to their parents or other adults in their homes.
Children repeat four-letter words used by their parents or other relatives. When they use these words at day care or in school, they are usually punished by their providers or teachers. Parents who use four-letter words must find substitute expressions. Or they must use these words only when their children aren’t present.
A child seldom knows what a specific word means. All the child knows is that the word must be important because Mom, Dad, or other adults
really become upset or angry.
It is good for parents to remember that children are learning. In the beginning, these four-letter words are no different from any other words. The four-letter word is heard and then used.
After using the word several times, children begin to sense something is different with this or that word. It brings a strong reaction. Sometimes, parents will be very patient with children in every other aspect of learning except the use of four letter words.
Techniques to Stop The Use of Four-Letter Words
The child has to learn. The obvious question is “How should parents cope with these verbal expressions?”
Often, parents feel they must punish their children. They may even resort to physical punishment. They may threaten to wash the child’s mouth out with soap. Or they may explode!
Each of these techniques may momentarily stop the use of the word. However, the child will probably use the word again. None of these methods shows any regard for the child’s feelings. They simply reinforce the idea that these words have emotional power.
A good approach is to react calmly. In this way, children won’t experience the “emotional power” of these words.
Parents might choose to ignore children when they use a certain word or immediately distract children to some different activity.
Many parents find that a very casual response such as “We don’t use that word in our family. We say _____,” works very well.
Others will say, “Mommy does not use that word. Listen to how Mommy talks.” In these examples, the parent is helping the young child learn appropriate social behavior. No importance is placed on the word and no punishment is given.
Remember to remain unemotional and casual when these situations occur. Chances are very good that the use of a certain word will cease.
Children are developing and learning. Many words enter their ears. When it comes to language, children are like expensive vacuum cleaners — they pick up just about everything! Our job is to help them learn to sort out what they have picked up. We can do this by being understanding and reacting calmly when a new word appears.
Games for Growing
Finding the Difference
To help your child become more aware of observing detail (a valuable pre-reading skill) play this simple game. Draw a simple picture or trace one from a coloring book. Make a second copy, changing one detail. Ask your child to spot the difference between the two pictures.
Sources
Del Campo, D. S. and Herrera, R. S. (1993). “Helping Young Children Cope with Anger.” New Mexico State University.
Frazier, B. H. and Tyler, B. B. (1992-93). “Teaching Values: A Blueprint for Life.” (184). Cooperative Extension Service, The University of Maryland System.
Fulton, A. M. “Understanding Children: The 5-Year-Old.” (T-2369). Cooperative Extension Service. Oklahoma State University.
Johnson, C. E. (1991). “Helping Your Child Deal with Stress.” Cooperative Extension Service, North Carolina State University.
North Dakota Extension Service. Parenting Preschoolers. (PP-1). North Dakota Extension Service. (1993). “Parenting Preschoolers: How Do I Love Thee?”
Temke, M. “Early Childhood: The 3-, 4- and 5-Year-Old Child – Changes in Self-Concept.” University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension.
Temke, M. “Early Childhood: The 3-, 4- and 5-Year-Old Child – Language Development.” University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension.
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