Making the Most of Family Mealtimes

Eat Well Fact Sheet

Bulletin #4340 

The way we feed our children during the first five years of life affects everything — their physical health, and their emotional and social development, as well as how they learn. 

Feeding our young children well results in more than good health. Feelings of safety, security and bonding between adults and children are also results of a positive feeding relationship.

The results don’t change for school-age children and teens. Family mealtimes create stronger family bonds by giving family members the feeling of being needed and of belonging to the family. Eating together promotes better communication. Families can keep up-to-date on what’s going on with school, jobs and friends. Parents can teach children table manners, basic cooking skills, social skills, family values and a sense of community. 

Teens continue to benefit from family meals. Results of recent studies show that the more often teens eat at home, the more well-adjusted they are. Those who eat with their families at least five times a week are less likely to be depressed or do drugs, and more likely to be motivated in school and to have better relations with their friends. 

What Do You Expect?

Children grow in four general ways: socially, emotionally, physically and mentally. Each child learns and grows in these areas at different times and at different rates. So don’t expect your child’s growth to be exactly like other children of the same age. 

Social/Emotional Development: 

Do you expect your child to be quiet and not disturb mealtimes with noise?

Young children have short attention spans. Keeping quiet or sitting still for a very long time can be hard for small children. Since young children do not realize how much noise they’re making, it helps if adults can learn to shut their minds to some noise. This does not mean that children should be allowed to take over the household and bombard you with constant noise. TV can be a major distraction at mealtimes. Turn off the tube, and turn on the conversation. 

Do you expect your child to be “grown up” about sharing?

Children have to learn to share. They gradually grow from the early “I,” “me,” and “mine” stage to the more grown-up “we,” “us” and “our” stage. Learning to think in terms of others is something that children usually begin when they are about four years old.

To help them learn to share, share with your children, encourage them to share with you and others, show approval for others’ sharing, and show approval for your own children’s sharing (even if it’s done only in small steps). Don’t expect too much; don’t force it. Passing food around the table and sharing what’s left are good examples of sharing. 

Physical Development:

What skills does your child learn in feeding herself?

By reaching and pulling bits of food close (also called “raking”), children are taking their first step toward feeding themselves. Picking up finger foods is the next step: children develop their “pincer grasp” by using thumbs and forefingers together to pick up small pieces of food. These skills develop into the ability to self-feed with a spoon, hold a pencil, and cut with scissors during the toddler years.

Q: My child would get in the way and make a mess if I tried to involve him in food preparation. How can I involve him easily?

A: It can be messy, but try to think of ways to make clean up easier. Teach him to put dishes in the sink as he uses them. Have a dishcloth handy and wipe as you go. Use smaller containers for ingredients so if there’s a spill it’s not such a disaster. He will want to taste the new foods he has prepared, so it’s a great way to introduce new flavors and textures. It is important to be patient with him and not expect him to do things perfectly or as quickly as you can. Food preparation can be an opportunity for you and your child to laugh and be together. (See recipe below)

What skills can your child learn while helping with food/meal preparation? 

Older children are using large motor skills when they help to prepare foods and set the table. Encourage children to squeeze lemons, stir batters, mash potatoes, use cookie cutters or pour juices. Wiping the table or washing, rinsing or drying dishes are great ways to develop coordination as well as cleaning skills.

Q: It’s too messy to let my baby use her fingers and eat from a dish. Isn’t it easier to feed her myself?

A: It is messy, but it’s a first step in learning to eat from a spoon. Let’s see if we can think about ways to make it less messy—maybe having paper towels or a clean dishcloth nearby, or putting a bib on the baby might help.

Mental/Language Development:

Do you expect your child to understand everything you say?

It is easy to believe that if children can talk they also can understand. But, as in other areas of growth, language development takes a long time. And the rate of this growth varies from child to child. Children really have two sets of words— one set that they only say and another that they understand. Your children come to understand what words mean through specific experience with them. Your child may ask, “What’s that?” You may reply, “Toast.” But it isn’t until he can put a slice of bread in the toaster, see the bread become warm and brown, and savor the good taste, that he understands what toast is.

Meals are a time for eating and learning. By sharing in mealtime talk, children can practice skills (like asking questions and sharing stories) that will help them later in school. Children can learn new words and learn more about the world around them by listening to mealtime talk.

First, Aim for Cooperation

Your child wants to try to do more for herself. She knows what she likes and doesn’t. Introducing new foods, knowing what’s enough and using manners are all issues.
Here are some solutions to try:

• Let her help prepare the meal. She’ll be more likely to eat it.

• Provide regularly scheduled meals and snack times. Never force your child to eat.

• Remember that children’s serving sizes are smaller than adults’. Determine food portions based on your child’s age. (See University of Maine Cooperative Extension bulletins #4298, “Food Guide Pyramid Daily Food Choices for Children Ages 1 - 5 Years” and #4280, “How Much Is a Serving?”)

• Make mealtime and snack time a pleasant event. Eat with your child. Be a role model. Avoid making an issue about your food preferences.

• Ask your child how much he wants to eat or let him serve himself. This can lead to less wasted food and fewer mealtime hassles.

• Have a routine that lets him know when it’s time to stop what he’s doing, when to wash up and when to come to the table.

• Give praise for positive behavior. When children feel good about how they feed themselves, they tend to eat better.

• Teach by showing instead of just telling. For example say, “Holding the cup with both hands like this makes it easier to use.”

• Teach your child how to do something by showing her first, then letting her try.

• Keep in mind that your child might not do a perfect job at first. Give praise for effort (“I can see you’ve worked hard on that. I am proud of how hard you tried.”)

• Share with other family members how your child helped. Ask him to describe what he did and what it was like.

Teaching a child to understand time requires a lot of patience. You may be wrapped up in washing the dishes when your child asks for a drink. If your “just a minute” stretches into several minutes, your child will become impatient and will also misunderstand the meaning of a minute. Children’s limited understanding of the passing of time is one of the reasons they find it difficult to put off pleasures. 

You can help your child learn new words by speaking clearly and distinctly and by listening carefully when she talks to you. When you speak to your child, speak simply and directly. For example, “Time to eat now, play later” is much more meaningful to a small child than “Stop fooling around and spending so much time playing when we need to eat.”

Troubleshooting Mealtime Problems 

What do you do when your child is not hungry at mealtime?

• Have him join you at the table anyway (for his company).

• Try serving smaller amounts of food for snacks.

• Offer water instead of soda or juice drinks when your child is thirsty. Sugary drinks can make your child less hungry for food at meals.

What do you do if your child is hungry, but doesn’t want to eat what you’ve prepared?

• Always have something at meals that your child will eat, like milk, bread or fruit...but don’t be a “short order cook,” preparing something just for one child at every meal.

What can you do if your child never wants to try new foods?

• Serve new foods along with other favorite foods.

• Let her choose how much of the new food she would like to try.

• Let him take the new food out of his mouth (politely) if he finds that he does not like it.

• Try again at another meal. Children need time to get used to new things . . . and may need to see a new food five to eight times before they are willing to try it.

  Tips for Feeding Children If you are the parent or caregiver of a young child, try these suggestions: 1. Offer children very small portions of food, and make it clear they can always ask for more. Offer a variety of foods. 2. Encourage children to feed themselves— even when it’s messy! Keep food and utensils clean. 3. Don’t compare children with others or develop competitions. Don’t punish eating behaviors, bribe, or scold. 4. Be sure children are physically comfortable while eating. 5. If children stop eating to play with or throw food, say, “Food is for eating. Do you want to eat more, or have you finished?” If they continue to play (and not eat), say calmly, “I see you've finished eating,” and remove their plate. 6. Demonstrate good manners and consideration for others. 7. Don’t get emotionally invested in what children eat or don’t eat. If you provide nutritious choices, you can trust children to eat what they need. 8. Try to keep non-nutritious foods such as candy, soda, potato chips, corn chips, cookies, cakes, and doughnuts out of your house. Instead, have plenty of cold water, milk, fruit juice, fresh fruits, vegetables, breads, crackers, pretzels, yogurt, and cheese for snacks. Avoid non-nutritious foods that cause tooth decay, especially sticky, sweet foods such as candy and fruit roll-ups. 9. Demonstrate, don’t preach, good health and eating habits. 10. Keep your sense of humor! Someday, you’ll remember mealtimes with your young children as special family moments during which you enjoyed and cherished each other.

Dealing with Mealtime “Scenes”

We all get angry, and mealtimes are no exception. When a child starts to become angry, try giving him a hug or some kind of affection. Sometimes, this is all a child needs to regain control when frustrated or anxious. It can be helpful for you to see some humor in the situation — children have been subjecting parents to tantrums since time began! While a sense of humor can help you survive, be sure that you are not teasing or being sarcastic toward your child. 

When a child does become angry and a temper tantrum occurs, the most important thing you can do is to avoid physical punishment. Hitting or spanking a child for acting aggressively or doing something wrong is guaranteed to backfire. Don’t demonstrate behavior you don’t want your child to imitate.

Instead, accept your child’s anger. Let your child know her feelings are appropriate. But if the anger is being expressed in inappropriate ways, suggest other ways the child can express her feelings. For example, talking is a good way to get rid of feelings of anger and frustration. When your child becomes worked up, encourage her to use her words, rather than hitting, grabbing, or some other physical action.

When a child uses a tantrum to express his needs, the way you respond is important. This is the time your child needs you the most. He needs you to remain calm. He needs to be comforted, and he needs your help to regain control. Try ignoring the tantrum for a few minutes if you can. If a tantrum cannot be ignored, or goes longer than a few minutes, try giving your child a chance to cool down by gently removing your child from the situation. Stay with your child — hold him closely and talk softly to him. Try to figure out what your child wants and needs.

Temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up for children ages 18 months to 3 years. While they can be stressful for you, they are part of your child becoming a separate person from you. Try not to see the tantrum as a power struggle between you and your child.

Anger, frustration and impatience are feelings we all have. These are normal feelings but can be frightening for a child. Parents need to help children learn how to manage their anger and how to channel it into positive action.

Here are some suggestions for responding to “the scene” at the table:

• Stay calm.

• Show affection; try gentle humor.

• Show you understand the feeling: “I see you’re angry.” (This means you’re accepting the feeling, but not the behavior.)

• Say, “use your words” (instead of kicking, biting, etc.).

• Ignore the scene if possible.

• If not possible to ignore, give your child a chance to leave the table for a few minutes, then welcome him back.

• Later, talk about ways she could handle future situations in a more positive way (works best with children over four years old).

Happy Meals Away from Home

When eating with your children away from home, you have the additional worry of what other people think if they misbehave. Children will naturally push limits, and in a public place it may seem to them that you have less influence. Also, they may simply feel confused by being in a new setting and not have a sense of what’s expected. What’s acceptable in a fast food restaurant may not be the same in a sit-down restaurant. 

• Prepare your child ahead of time for the kind of place you'll be eating. For example, will it be OK for her to get up and move around? 

• Talk about the reasons for eating away from home. Is this a quick stop while you’re out doing errands, or is this a special time away from home, which you want to be relaxing and fun?

• Review the “at home” rules that still apply. For example, “We still use our napkins.” Or, “Remember to take turns and pass food politely.” 

• This is an opportunity for children to learn to make choices! They also get a chance to communicate what they want. When appropriate, give your child the opportunity to choose from the menu and order for herself. 

• Make sure your child understands that this is a public place, and his behavior affects the experience of others. State your expectations and the consequences of misbehavior in advance. You may say something like, “We expect you to use your ‘inside’ voice at the table like we do at home. If you are loud, you’ll disturb others, and we may have to leave.” Or, “Running around in a restaurant isn’t OK. If you need to get up, let me know and I'll go with you, otherwise we may be asked to leave.” 

• Children have short attention spans, so be prepared with books, crayons and drawing paper or other quiet activities they can do at the table. Engage them in conversation or verbal games that are interesting to them. Don’t push the limits of their endurance for sitting quietly.

SOURCES:

Growing, Muriel Brink, Winna Rivera and Jennifer Birckmayer, Cornell University, 1996.

Say “Yes” to Family Meals, Bulletin N-3407, Iowa State Cooperative Extension, 1999.

Love and Limits: Parenting with Good Sense, (MI-6141), Ellen Schuster, et al., University of Minnesota Extension Service, St Paul, 1993.

“Picky Eaters,” fact sheet #887, University of Minnesota Extension Service, 1995/1999, Felisha Rhodes and Donna McDuffie, http://www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/nutrition/BJ887.html

“Exploring Healthy Eating” fact sheets series, Center for Hunger, Poverty and Nutrition Policy, Tufts University.

“Dealing with Tantrums,” fact sheet #617, University of Minnesota Extension Service, Kari Nelson, 1997, http:// www.extension.umn.edu/info-u/families/BE617.html  

Developed by Extension Educators Jane Conroy, Piscataquis County, and Shirley Hager, Androscoggin/Sagadahoc Counties, in consultation with Joyce Gray, nutrition aide.

Published with support provided by the United States Department of Agriculture, Food and Nutrition Service.

Published and distributed in furtherance of Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914, by the University of Maine Cooperative Extension, the Land Grant University of the state of Maine and the U.S. Department of Agriculture cooperating. Cooperative Extension and other agencies of the U.S.D.A. provide equal opportunities in programs and employment.

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